Learn From My Mistakes!

Never eaten fresh blueberries before? Until recently, neither had I. And I made some rather huge mistakes, which ended up costing me - not so much financially. Let me explain:

"Fresh" blueberries (I put quotations around fresh because they're in the produce section of my local supermarket, so I am smart enough to realize it's not the true meaning of freshness - still, they're not frozen, so...whatever) are a dangerous minefield, my friends. You don't just buy some fresh blueberries and go home and dump 'em in a bowl and rinse 'em off and sit and snack on them in the dark during a new episode of your favorite TV show. Below is a simple tutorial to help you understand - The Blueberry.

Now the blueberry is a product of Mexico, see. And I don't have problems with Mexico, but I do have problems with blueberries jammed in crates, being driven by truck for who knows how many days before they end up in your local supermarket. Though these blueberries have been supposedly hand picked, you must now "hand pick" them, once again.

Always, ALWAYS have your kitchen lights on to their full capacity so you can get a clear view of these little fellas. They look so juicy and tasty and inviting, but there are some evil little buggers hiding in the bunch and you must locate and dispose of them immediately.

Always inspect the bottom of the blueberry. The color will tell you if it's okay or not.

Let's try a little rhyme to help us remember what's okay and what's not okay, okay? Okay. Here we go:

If it's turning white, better toss it out of sight.


It it's brown or blue, it's okay to pass it through.


If it's feeling kind of mushy, it'll come right back out your tushy.


If it's looking just plain weird...I have nothing that rhymes with this. Just don't eat it, okay?


And seriously, guys, if you touch it and it collapses and becomes a liquid right before your eyes...do you really need me to tell you what to do about it? Okay, good.

Also, if a blueberry looks perfectly fine, but was touching against a pretty rotten blueberry, which has now left it's rotten, putrid liquid on the side of the good blueberry, I wouldn't chance it, not even with a rinse off...unless you've got some good reading material you've been looking for a chance to sit down with. 'Cause you're gonna' be spending some quality time that day on your porcelain throne, ruling over the Land Of Putrid Stink.

And if this tutorial has completely put you off from blueberries, you now have two options:

1. Eat frozen blueberries.

2. Eat a grapefruit - NO SUGAR! Aw, stop your whining. You'll be fine, you big baby. The acid will eat whatever you just ate right back out of your stomach. Mmm. Appetizing. I think I'll go eat something now.