Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Move It!

All right, starvation alone is not going to get this weight off fast enough. Time to throw in some exercise. I have three little kids and I hear stories all the time about how women just drop the pounds simply by chasing their busy little children around. So you'd think with three little ones 4 and under I'd be a rail, right? WRONG!

I type for a living. I sit in a chair all day and type. Medical reports. I listen to old men drone in my ear all day and try not to fall asleep. But I have to make a certain amount of money to help supplement the family income in these tough times, so I sit and type as much as I can while my children run WITHOUT me behind them, and destroy my house. My exercise is shouting at them from my chair. It's not working out so well for me. Time to get off my butt (well, first surgically excise it from my office chair - it's kind of become ingrown) and move it!

DILEMMA: It's freaking hot outside.

OTHER DILEMMA: No extra money for a gym membership right now.

YET ANOTHER DILEMMA: No workout videos at the moment. I had a great "Dancing With The Stars" workout video that I LOVED because it didn't feel like working out. It was me attempting to dance like they did on the video, but actually looking more like I was suffering an epileptic seizure for 30 minutes straight. But still, it was fun. Anyway, somehow it's disappeared. I have the case, but that does me no good.

SOLUTION: Get creative!

Rollerblading is supposed to be a great workout, but I don't own any and how do you want me to roller blade with three little children 4 and under? Huh?

Okay, here are two great ideas, which have worked for me and I love them. In fact, as soon as I finish typing this post, I'm doing one of these ideas.

IDEAS:

1. Put on some socks, put on a show you like (or music, but the show is more distracting) and slide back and forth in rollerblading motions on your tile or linoleum floor. Yeah. It really works. Great for the thighs and buns. I just watch my show, slide back and forth like I'm rollerblading and next thing I know my show is over and my thighs and buns are KILLING me! Just slide your left foot out, slide your right foot in, slide your right foot out (No, don't shake it all about. This is not the hokey pokey. CONCENTRATE!).

2. Put on some fun music. My husband has trained his little monkey puppets to love techno/club music, which I personally find to have no real musical substance, but the monotonous beat causes convulsions in my children and keeps them entertained for hours, so I put it on and we jump around and convulse together (blinds tightly shut, of course) for as long as we can stand to.
This one especially works the calves. Great cardio too. It's awesome! Try it!

So, there are my tips for the day.

OH! Brooke requested some juicer recipes. I'll share a few a day with you. I've got fruit and veggie combos for you. I have a whole book of these and I'm going through and trying each one and check marking it and making notes to either alter it or note whether or not I can stand to drink it. Some of them are rough. Healthy, but rough.

First of all, let me just say, you can juice any fruit or vegetable and just drink it straight. Very healthy. But here are some fun combos:

FRESH CELERY BLEND

1 head of celery (washed)
1 large carrot (washed, cut off ends)
1 small wedge of lemon (about 1/4 a lemon)

Celery is a natural water pill. It decreases bloating and swelling. Carrots are good for your eyes and skin. Lemon is...sour. This one is not like, "Wow! I love it! I wanna' drink ten glasses of this stuff right now!" But you do get some satisfaction knowing you're doing something extremely healthy for your body and you can down it in a few gulps so you don't have to taste that celery for too long. Sorry, I hate celery...even with peanut butter on it. But I force myself to do this one sometimes because it's good for me and I can get it down my throat pretty fast.

GOOD MORNING DELIGHT

1 large carrot (washed, cut off ends)
1 medium red apple (washed, remove stem)
1 pint fresh strawberries (washed)

This concoction is one good way to start the morning and I've found that I actually don't really need to eat for at least an hour afterwards, sometimes two. It seems to satisfy me. Not bad tasting either. Not my absolute favorite, but pretty darn good considering it's fruits and veggies mixed, which is always difficult for me to get excited about.

PINEAPPLE-ORANGE BLAST

4 pineapple spears (top removed and skinned)
1 medium orange (peeled)

DANG GOOD! One of my favorites! Good one to drink after a meal. The acidity in the fruit eats away at whatever you just ate. Breaks it down easier. And so delicious.

Here's one tip. The white stuff between the fruit and the peel of the orange, you know the stuff you pick off as much as you can before you eat the orange? That's called the pith. It's full of vitamins and nutrients. When juicing, try to keep as much of that on as possible.

Monday, September 28, 2009

Get It Out!

The poop, that is. Yes, I'm talking about poop. Did you know you can get backed up in there and not even realize it? It can add pounds and bloating. So, doing a colon cleanse at least twice a year is a good thing for you.

Now, there are different levels of colon cleanses. There are the extreme cases where you purchase a system, which costs hundreds of dollars and you basically eat nothing but their supplements and drink their concoctions for a number of days. I don't know if you've seen the poop pictures on-line, but they're pretty nasty, so I'll spare you and NOT post them here. If you want to see the poop pics, just Google "Colon Cleanse" and you'll find all sorts of interesting things.

I, however, am trying an acai berry colon cleanse, which you do for ten days and it allows you to eat. I just purchased it at Walgreen's for $9.99. It's Select Greens 10-day Acai Detox. Here are the claims:

1. Cleanse.
2. Detoxify.
3. Reduce bloat and water weight.
4. Helps support metabolism.
5. Super fruit blend.

SO...we shall see if this does anything helpful for me. I'm instructed to drink 1/2 a gallon a day AT LEAST of water, I take 4 tablets before each meal and it says if I'm running to the bathroom too often (well, it says that in more professional wording), then cut back on the number of tablets I take.

Now, I'm doing this in conjunction with the Slim-Fast. I'm back on that. I've been doing Slim-Fast since I recovered from my surgery and it's working for me so far, so I'm going to keep it up for now.

If you're doing Slim-Fast and you're struggling to be satisfied with just a little shake for breakfast and lunch, I will share with you a little tip. Here's what I do - juice some fruit or veggies. If you can't juice 'em, just eat 'em. Pop some grapes or eat an apple, eat some carrot sticks. Just EAT SOMETHING RAW AND HEALTHY!!!! That's not cheating.

Going to your fridge, peering around to make sure nobody's watching, and snagging a piece of chocolate cake from the half sheet that your neighbor just brought over as leftovers from her daughter's wedding (Thanks a lot, Vickie) is considered cheating. And while we're on this note - anybody reading this who DOESN'T want to lose weight who would like to unload some cake from me? Anyone? Anyone? Hello? No? Hmph! Fine! Don't bail me out. Leave me alone to struggle with the battle in my head every day.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

The Results Are In!

Uhhh...let me just say this - if you want to do a starvation diet, don't have kids, don't have friends, don't be social at all! And definitely do NOT try this on a weekend!

So, I did great on Friday. I just sipped the concoction and drank tons of water. I did start to get a bit of a headache, just a mild one, and I did start feeling a slight bit cranky, but I felt like I could keep it under control.

Then it happened! FRIENDS! DANG YOU PEOPLE!

A friend whom I had not seen in a while just happened to be in my neighborhood and called me up and said, "Hey, let's go to Extreme Play and hang out while our kids bounce around and play." Sounded innocent enough. I met up with her, signed my kids in, paid the fee and took my place on a big comfy couch where we talked about my new baby and life, in general. The minutes passed by quickly and soon it had been 1 1/2 hours. The dinner hour was approaching and my kids were hungry, including baby Zander. It was time to pack up and head home.

"Hey, we're going to go grab pizza. Wanna' come along?" My friend invited us.

I drew in a deep breath, looked heavenward and released a huge, huffy sigh. Suddenly a strong smell of pizza smacked me in the nose. I jerked my head around and saw that the cafeteria had just removed a large pepperoni from their oven, a young family eagerly waiting at the counter for their order.

"Oh man! This sucks! I'm on a diet. A strict diet. I'm not eating for the next two days." I whined.

"Oh", my friend replied. "I'm so sorry. I don't want to ruin your diet."

"I know. I know. But, I wanna' visit some more and I know I'm not going to be able to sit in that place and smell all of the pizza and watch you all eat it and not eat some. DANG IT!"

My friend chuckled and apologized again.

I released another big sigh and threw my hands up in submission. "Aw, forget it! Let's go get pizza!"

I'm sorry to say it didn't end there. You get me eating after starving for a day and it becomes a feeding frenzy. After two slices of pizza and a bread stick I announced, "Let's go to Bahama Buck's! I want some shaved ice!"

All of the kids shouted, "Yay! We wanna' go to...." and then they all proceeded to twist their tongues around the name Bahama Buck's, which was quite entertaining. There were seven of them between the two of us, ranging in ages from 6 weeks to 12 years old.

And so I snarfed down a "Big Kahuna" drink. I ordered the small size, okay? I wasn't THAT naughty. Okay, I was totally naughty. It had a heart next to it and the sign said that meant it wasn't that high in calories, but I'm sure it was still enough calories to completely destroy what I had worked so hard on all day - not eating.

DAY 2:

I picked up where I left off with the starvation diet. I decided I was just going to hop back on the wagon and go at it again. If I ran out of concoction, I'd just drink fruit juice, freshly juiced from my new Jack Lalanne power juicer that my parents bought me for my birthday, which I have been using at least twice a day and it's my new best friend.

I was doing great. I hopped on the scale, just out of curiosity, and I had dropped 2 pounds, so I was down to 162. Yay! It was a start.

Then it happened! HUSBAND! DANG YOU HUSBAND!

I forgot to add: "Don't have friends, don't be social, and DON'T have a husband!"

My husband wanted to take me to dinner. He NEVER wants to take me to dinner.

"I don't like spending money on food" is his famous line, to which I always respond, "Well, we have to eat somehow, so it's either spend money on food at the grocery store or spend it on eating out, but money is going to get spent on food, so change that line up, K?"

Suddenly, I start this starvation diet and my husband wants to take me out to dinner? Are you kidding me? We've been married nearly 5 years and out of nowhere he changes his tune. I swear the devil possessed him and made him say that!

Aw heck! I agreed. It didn't take a single arm twist. I was in!

After a lovely evening about town, he took me to a fancy seafood restaurant. I ordered the Maple Glazed salmon with wild rice and steamed broccoli...and a very sweet raspberry lemonade. Of course, they brought a small loaf of bread first COVERED IN SUGAR! And yes, I ate more than half the loaf myself. Then, we ordered an appetizer of venison stuffed mushrooms. Hey, we were starving - especially me! By the time they brought my meal, I could only take three bites and I was about to burst at the seams. Our server asked me if there was something wrong with my meal.

"No, not the meal - my stomach. I'm full. Can I have a box to go, please?"

ANYWAY! So, 48-hour starvation diet was sabotaged completely.

However, there is a slightly happy ending to this story:

Final weight on scale: 160.

I'll take it!

Friday, September 25, 2009

...And We're Back On The Air...

Hello? Anybody out there?

(On the mic) *Tap. Tap. Tap.* *Blowing*

So....it's been years since my last post, or at least feels that way. In a nutshell, I had a baby, had a cholecystectomy (gallbladder removed), had a kidney stone, had a nervous breakdown and six weeks later, I'm back in business. Yay!

If you want the full story about my traumatic delivery and events following, including stepping on a scorpion a few days after arriving home, refer to my coppeefamily.blogspot.com blog. Don't hold your breath, though. I'm known for making promises and taking forever to fulfill them.

ANYWAY! So, I'm leaving up the picture of myself with the BEFORE caption overhead because, well...I'm back to that size again. 164 pounds. I gained like 31 pounds during the pregnancy and I've lost it all thanks to my surgery. If only I were my ideal weight BEFORE all of this happened....(sigh). What do you do?

Well, I'll tell you what I'm gonna' do - everything drastic and non-drastic in combination that I possibly can to get rid of my thunder thighs, ba-dunk-a-dunk booty, bye-bye arms and extra chins.

Now, one confession: I have the advantage over you, so if you're gonna' follow my poor example of drastic, "only heard of in exaggerated gossip sessions" weight loss strategies you must know that I've been altered somehow.

The following addictions have been erased. I don't know if this is related to my surgery or simply a coincidence, but here's my list:

1. Dr. Pepper...or any soda, for that matter.
2. Fast food.
3. Dairy (ice cream, milk, sour cream, etc.)

Carbonation feels like acid from the moment it touches my palate. It's extremely physically painful to actually drink soda, so I hear or see the word Dr. Pepper and I find myself cringing. This is a HUGE blessing as I was like a crack addict on that stuff.

Dairy and fast food keeps me in the bathroom for hours (I've gotten a lot of reading. Thanks to all those friends who've loaned me some great books.) But it hurts my stomach and unmentionables so bad, I can't stand it, so I stay away.

I will update you regularly regarding my tactics and the results. At least once a week is what I can promise - complete with measurements and weight - and how I'm tolerating it, which isn't gonna' be pretty sometimes. At least I can delete the cuss words after I type them and BEFORE I publish.

So, here's the run down on me:

Weight 164 pounds
Arms: 11.5 inches
Thighs: 25 inches
Waist: 39.5 inches
Hips: Ugh. Later, okay? I'm done with measurements for now.

Today I'm beginning my aggressive weight loss program with the 48-hour Hollywood Miracle Diet. I purchased it at Walgreens for $19.99 plus tax. It's a concentrate that you mix with water in equal parts and you just sip it all day long. Doesn't that sound wonderful?

Allow me to share with you a little discovery I've made. See, I assumed they called it the "Miracle" diet because supposedly you can lose up to 10 pounds in two days. But since beginning this special little program, I've come to discover that the true meaning behind the name is that it's a freakin' miracle you don't make like a hamster and eat your own young! Hello! I'm starving over here!

Now, keeping with my obsessive/compulsive form, I have managed to weigh myself at least ten times today. After a few sips and two glasses of ice water, I peed and weighed myself and the scale went from 164 to 159 pounds. I was like, "Yeah! This is awesome! I can do this!" A few hours later after sipping the concoction, gulping water and another 3-4 trips to the bathroom I thought, "Oh, I've dropped at least another 5 pounds by now". I stepped onto the scale, my head held high and watched in anticipation as the digital numbers appeared. 164. WHAT THE HECK?!?!?! I don't know. I haven't cheated. Not once. Not even a tiny bit, so we'll see what happens. In 48 hours I will weigh myself and let you know the result....if I live to see 48 hours from now.

FYI: I informed my husband the night before that I was beginning an intense torture process and that if I even smelled food, I would definitely eat it, so he is responsible for feeding the children the next couple of nights and I will be cruising the neighborhood in my car NOT thinking about food until the food is cleared from the table and the smell has left the building. So, if you see me driving around during the dinner hour, I'm not cooling down from a heated argument with my spouse or going to pick up fast food because I've ruined dinner again, I'm simply trying to make this ridiculous weight loss effort work for me!

On a final note, this "fasting" diet is not bad for you. In fact, it's very healthy for your body to fast once in a while. And this Hollywood diet contains essential oils, vitamins, minerals and fruit juice, which is more than I put in my body when I fast for religious reasons (try nothing - not even water for 24 hours). SO, if you can do it without completely losing your mind, I highly recommend it as a jump start to your weight loss plan. Hey, at least I'm not swallowing a tapeworm, which I will consider if nothing else works for me.

Wish me luck on my quest to lose 40 more pounds!