Today Is The Big Day!

I have two weeks, so now that we're down to the wire, I can finally get serious about this weight loss business.

I don't even want to measure where I'm at, even though I totally owe you some measurements. I'm afraid the numbers got worse. I'm just guessing. Not a difficult thing to accurately predict when you've been EATING FOR FOUR DAYS STRAIGHT!!!!

Anyway, it's Monday, I couldn't sleep last night, half my kids are sick, it's freezing cold outside, the house is a pig sty, and I'm thinking now would be a great time to focus on getting skinny. What do ya' say? Let's do this!

Today I had M&M's for breakfast. They were coconut. They were 210 calories. I will now drink a huge glass of water and curse at Jillian Michaels for exactly 27 minutes. K. Bye.

Sometimes Things Happen

Like Thanksgiving. Now I'm even fatter and feel more disgusting than ever. *Sigh*. Diet starts Monday. I know those are my famous last words, but I always mean them.

Starting Monday, I will have two weeks to prepare for the December 9th show. I can do it. I'll be motivated because I won't be thinking about a big feast coming up with lots of pie. I ate French Silk and then when my daughter couldn't finish her piece, I took over. I ate and ate and ate. And then when I came home later, I ate some more because I was kind of on a roll with it and I didn't want to lose the momentum.

ANYWAY...we just start over. That's what we do - me and my other personalities.

See ya' Monday.

This is the part where I get sexy.

Told ya'!

This is my sauna suit and it feels as sexy as it looks. Now, first of all - I am not as heavy as this picture makes me look, okay. It balloons out and traps the heat. I then work out in it and then peel it off. And then I peel off my work out clothes. And then I peel off my under things. Everything is pretty much stuck to me like I stood out in the rain and got drenched. And it's all my sweat.

YUMMY!

Today I woke up and was surprised that I could actually walk. It was very painful, but I could do it. In times past when I've attempted the 30-day shred, the first day kills me and the second day I'm no good to anyone.

Though my limbs are like Jell-O and I quiver in pain when I try to lift anything or stoop down, I am able to get around without an electric wheelchair. It's amazing! I must be getting stronger.

This morning I decided I just couldn't get through the workout, so I did my own and if you don't have access to the 30-day shred and want to try a free version, do this:

Find 6 songs you like. Ones that motivate you to get going. You know, pump you up.

Then do this:

Song #1: Alternate jumping jacks and running in place until the song ends.

Song#2: Sit up exercises.

Song#3: Push ups. I do the wimp version, but it's still grueling. I just go on my knees as opposed to toes.

Song#4: Alternate jumping jacks and jumping rope.

Song #5: Sit up exercises.

Song #6: Lunges.

This is what I did today and it was still killer. But it seemed easier, probably because I was doing it on my terms as opposed to having Jillian yelling at me while she just stands there - not in pain like me! PS: Have you seen the video? Even her girl, Anita, is kind of struggling at one point. It's killer!

Okay, anyway, so I have been super naughty today, but that's okay. I am building muscle, which burns fat and also I still have my little secret weapon next week that I'm using once I've built up this muscle. Sorry. You're gonna' have to wait to see what it is, but I guarantee it's going to get me down a couple of sizes in a snap!

Now, where was I? Ah yes, indulging in Jordan Almonds. Mm mm good!

Oh, here's what I ate today. I'll tell you. I have no shame.

Breakfast: Slim-Fast.

Snack: Two handfuls of Jalapeno Cheddar World Table crackers, 5 thin Mint Chocolate World Table cookies, and a glass of horchata.

Lunch: 290-calorie salad.

Snack: Handful of Jordan Almonds.

Dinner: Will most likely be salmon and steamed zucchini again.

OH MY GOSH!

I'm so fat right now!

Okay, guess who fell off the bandwagon, like a long time ago and decided she didn't care and now it's time to care and she's really sorry she hasn't cared all along because now it's a big undertaking?

So, it was summer time and I was all, "It's too bleeping hot! I hate being really hot and sweaty when I work out and then I try to cool down, but it's too hot, so I don't! When the weather cools down, I'm gonna' be outside exercising ALL THE TIME!"

HA! Right!

See, here's the thing: I'm lazy. Super lazy. Unless, of course, it's something I want to do, in which case I work really hard at it.

Working out? Me no likee, therefore, me no doee. It doesn't matter if the weather is perfect and gorgeous and amazing and wonderful! I'm still not gonna' do it. I just use weather as an excuse when I can and now I can't, so...I'm screwed.

Okay, so why do I need to lose weight? Well, certainly not for the right reasons like being healthy and feeling good. I don't really care about that all by myself. I have to have a reason to care. And right now my reason is - we need to get new band photos soon and we have a show coming up in December, and we want to make a new music video, and all sorts of other band-related things. And like the celebrities in Hollywood, I put expectations on myself that the world also places on people who are in the entertainment business - they have to look good. Nobody wants to watch a frumpy dump housewife shake her thang onstage. NOBODY! I feel like I'm experiencing deja vu here because I know I've said that before. That's my new mantra. I'm gonna' get a bumper sticker made...or maybe a t-shirt.

ANYWAY...

I guess having the band is a good thing - it'll always help me keep my weight under control. Sad, isn't it?

GASP! Bertrand! (That's my husband) Is that why you're insisting we keep the band going? I knew it!

No, seriously, I've often said that "I'll give the music one more year and if nothing happens, I'm quitting." But I never do and now I'm thinking even if the music NEVER takes off and even if everybody in the whole world said, "PLEASE STOP SINGING! FOR THE LOVE! YOU'RE KILLING US! IT'S HORRID!" I'll never stop because then I won't have a motivation to keep my weight somewhat under control.

There you go - a glimpse into my sick mind.

So, now, onto business. I have exactly 24 days to get this body looking fantastical. I laid awake last night forming a master plan in my head and then realized there are a lot of things coming up that are going to interfere with those evil plans like the Twilight:Breaking Dawn premier this Thursday, which is super important - don't you dare roll your eyes and act like I'm so annoying and stupid and need to grow up because it will never happen! Oh, I guess I need to explain further -I'm gonna' be slurping down a huge DP and stuffing my face with popcorn. It's the only way I can watch movies. Yeah. Don't ever sit by me in the theater. I'm disgusting.

ANYWAY...

Typically, I start out by cutting off all contact with food immediately and popping pink pills that I order from Singapore, which completely obliterate my appetite and make me super thirsty. That's usually the first plan of action. Then I decide to exercise somewhere along the way in there because there's just really no way around it.

But today is gonna' be like this:

1. Slim Fast for breakfast - already done 'cause it's nearly noon.

2. Blackberries for a snack - done.

3. Turkey and provolone sandwich for lunch, which so goes against what I would normally do in this situation, but you'll see why I'm actually eating something substantial in just a second.

K. Second's up.

4. Jillian Michaels' 30-day shred. If you know about this workout, you're cringing right now. It's a killer and I won't be able to walk very well for the next two days, but I don't care. It's a necessity! So, it's only a 20-minute workout, but it consists of extreme torture and I will be cursing very loudly, so stay back!

5. Something is going to happen here, but I'm not sure. It will include food, but hopefully I will make wise choices. That remains to be seen. After Jillian Michaels is done with me, I can't promise I'll be in the right frame of mind.

6. Fish and steamed veggies for dinner.

7. Collapse. I was thinking ambitiously here, but I have to be honest with myself. I mean, I've done the 30-day shred. I've never lasted 30 days, but I did last 14 days in a row once and I haven't forgotten what it does to me - the good AND the bad - especially the bad right now because oh my gosh! I don't wanna' do it! Don't make me do it!

Okay, so I am going to start doing this 30-day shred thingy for the rest of this week and then the beginning of next week, when I have muscle tone built up, that's when the fun starts.

STATS

This is the fun part. You can see that I do get results from my self mutilation.

Weight: 143. (I know. I know. I was all the way down to 127 pounds. What the heck?)
Waist: 36 inches.
Hips: 42 inches.
Thighs: 23 inches.
Arms: 11.5 inches.

Mood: Disgusted, but hopeful. I can do this. Today I am motivated and ambitious. I'm gonna' enjoy it while it lasts.

I Don't Wanna' Know.

I was doing so great yesterday. Everything was balanced - work, housework, exercise, quality time with the kids.

Then I came home from my power walk at 11:30 PM and my husband was digging in the fridge saying he was hungry. I stood there, puppy-dog faced and just stared. He stopped digging, looked up for a second and said, "What?"

"I'm hungry too," I whined.

I asked him if he was going to eat the leftover Mexican chicken salad and he said no, so I grabbed the tupperware and headed to my desk.

I didn't even get on the scale this morning. I don't wanna' know.

Let's just try this again - shall we? Keeping my fingers crossed I can hold it together. It IS the weekend, after all. That's when I'm typically on my worst behavior.

Yesterday was a bust!

I had NO time to exercise.

But I also had no time to eat.

140.9 lbs. this morning.

Try And Stop Me!

You ever feel like the moment you make a decision to go on a serious diet or attempt something major and difficult, the forces of evil show up and do everything they can to try and stop you?

That's what's going on right now.

I've got a deathly ill son wearing me down the past couple of days, which has now bled into the nights. Typically the only solution is chocolate and Dr. Pepper to get me through these moments.

I get to see my husband parading through the house with a 16-ouncer of the good stuff on a daily basis and not only that, but he seems to be placing them strategically throughout the house. Now of course this isn't true. He doesn't mean to be evil on purpose. It's completely accidental. But it's still evil.

And it doesn't stop there.

I've got my friend calling me wanting to know if I'm up for a candy run "for the kids".

For the KIDS?! HA! Right! Is THAT what we're calling it now? Like I'm gonna' walk into a store later in the evening after a very rough day seeking out candy for my kids and not get some for myself. Come on! Of course I purchased myself a box of M&Ms.

Hey, at least I didn't go for the medium-sized bag of Almond Joy bits, alright? That would have been my FIRST choice and were I not on this excruciating regimen to get myself camera ready, I would have gone for it.

You know, this isn't just a photo shoot I'm preparing for where editing can be done to make you look better than you really do in person. SOMEBODY in the band got a bright idea that we should actually shoot behind-the-scenes video footage of the making of our second album. Ever heard the phrase, "The camera adds 10 pounds?" That means I've gotta' be 10 pounds thinner than I want to appear on camera. It's lucky I even eat at ALL right now! If I could I'd stop altogether.

STILL - despite eating my little box of M&Ms...OK, and also half of my son's Reece's Pieces, which he very irresponsibly left on the coffee table last night and then went off to bed (he should know by now that's an extremely risky move - they're gone and there will be no apologies). Oh, also I took a small swig of Dr. Pepper that was staring me in the face when I checked the fridge last night. HEY! I was just doing a final midnight check of the premises - making sure everything was in its place. BACK OFF!!

Where was I?

Ah yes. I'm 141.8 pounds this morning.

Take THAT evil forces!!!!

It Happens So Fast!

First, a confession.

I did not manage ALL of the crazy exercising I had intended to do yesterday. I forgot that I have a job, children (sick ones right now) and dinner to cook...among other things.

By 10:45 last night I was finishing up my walking and I turned to my friend and said, "I'm done. That's all for today. I'm going home and collapsing."

And I did. I couldn't even take my hour-and-a-half long, ridiculously hot bath that I like to take at the end of the day. I filled it with de-stress oils and within 15 minutes fell into a deep sleep, slowly slipping down into the water until my face was nearly submerged and I jumped awake.

Is it possible for an adult to drown in their own bathtub?

I decided not to try that experiment this time.

I jumped up out of the water, dried off and headed to bed.

SO, minus 200 of the situps, minus the push ups, and minus the Zumba, I stepped on the scale this morning and....

I'm 142.6 pounds. That's a 2.4 pound loss in ONE DAY!!!

Now, it's not always going to go that fast. I know from experience. There will be days and days that go by and I might not lose a pound at all or I'll lose half a pound or something, but it will continue to fall off and I have a good chance of reaching my goal, so stay tuned.

15-20 pounds down in 3 weeks!

I wish the title was an announcement of my achievement. But alas, it is not. It's simply my goal.

CAN SHE DO IT?!

That remains to be seen.

See that photo? I managed to undo all of that hard work in just 6 weeks flat. Now, I know you've seen way better looking wanna-be rockers than me, but considering I had three children in 4 1/2 years, a sedentary job, and an obsession with comfort food, that's pretty dang good. I lost 28 pounds for that photo shoot.

PS: The pained look on my face is not caused by starvation. It's caused by those dang heels. Just look at those monsters! That's a five-inch studded stiletto heel. I will never wear those evil things again if I can help it!

Anyhoo, I'm back at it. As stated before in past posts - do NOT try this at home! It's extremely, ridiculously irresponsible, but so necessary when expectations loom over you.

And why would I share my deep dark dieting/obsessive exercising secrets with you?

Because you'll hold me accountable. Or at least in my delusional mind you will.

SO! Here we go.

Weight: 145 pounds. (I was all the way down to 132. *Sob* *Sniffle*)

Day 1:

Two pink illegal diet pills from Singapore. (The government makes sure we don't get stuff that actually works into this country...or at least they try. It's much more fun to stick celebrity faces on placebo pills and watch us desperate, overweight Americans waste our money on one false promise after another.)

TONS of water, but not too much. I don't wanna' drown. (I spread this out throughout the day)

1 lemon poppy seed muffin for breakfast. (I know I said I was trying to lose weight and that kind of contradicts, but wait 'til you see what I'm gonna' do next).

500 sit ups.
(Not all at once. I do 100 at a time with breaks in between)
500 jumping jacks.

As many push ups as I can. (You'd think carrying a toddler and sometimes two young ladies around, as well as large laundry baskets, arm loads of groceries, and heavy laden bags in public when we take the kids out would strengthen those puppies. Well, you're WRONG! I'm probably only gonna' manage 20 of those suckers today).

A fist-sized portion of pasta from last night's dinner (that's probably all these little pills will let me eat anyway before gluttonous puking sets in - delicious, huh?)

***Oh, before I forget - don't eat while you're reading this. I know, I know - it's a little late in the game, but at least you'll know for next time. Or perhaps, my graphic descriptions are causing you to lose your appetite and thus helping you reach your own weight loss goals in which case, you're welcome***

Now, where was I?

A one-hour Zumba session.

A fist-sized portion of whatever we're having for dinner. Hmmm...looking at the agenda tonight, I'm guessing fast food is on the menu. That'll be 4 chicken nuggets from Burger King for me totalling 180 calories. Yeah. 180 calories. That's it! And thanks to those pink pills, that'll fill me up.

And FINALLY - a 4-mile power walk to finish off the day.

Take THAT you evil little fat cells. I'll blast you outta' here in NO TIME!

And to all you healthy people who are cringing and fuming at my completely irresponsible ways, I don't wanna hear it! This is what works and until I reach a point in my life where the stress level and monumental requirements of my day are down considerably, I won't have the time or desire to do it the right way.

See ya' tomorrow. Enjoy your day...and your food...and your sanity...and health.