OH MY GOSH!

I'm so fat right now!

Okay, guess who fell off the bandwagon, like a long time ago and decided she didn't care and now it's time to care and she's really sorry she hasn't cared all along because now it's a big undertaking?

So, it was summer time and I was all, "It's too bleeping hot! I hate being really hot and sweaty when I work out and then I try to cool down, but it's too hot, so I don't! When the weather cools down, I'm gonna' be outside exercising ALL THE TIME!"

HA! Right!

See, here's the thing: I'm lazy. Super lazy. Unless, of course, it's something I want to do, in which case I work really hard at it.

Working out? Me no likee, therefore, me no doee. It doesn't matter if the weather is perfect and gorgeous and amazing and wonderful! I'm still not gonna' do it. I just use weather as an excuse when I can and now I can't, so...I'm screwed.

Okay, so why do I need to lose weight? Well, certainly not for the right reasons like being healthy and feeling good. I don't really care about that all by myself. I have to have a reason to care. And right now my reason is - we need to get new band photos soon and we have a show coming up in December, and we want to make a new music video, and all sorts of other band-related things. And like the celebrities in Hollywood, I put expectations on myself that the world also places on people who are in the entertainment business - they have to look good. Nobody wants to watch a frumpy dump housewife shake her thang onstage. NOBODY! I feel like I'm experiencing deja vu here because I know I've said that before. That's my new mantra. I'm gonna' get a bumper sticker made...or maybe a t-shirt.

ANYWAY...

I guess having the band is a good thing - it'll always help me keep my weight under control. Sad, isn't it?

GASP! Bertrand! (That's my husband) Is that why you're insisting we keep the band going? I knew it!

No, seriously, I've often said that "I'll give the music one more year and if nothing happens, I'm quitting." But I never do and now I'm thinking even if the music NEVER takes off and even if everybody in the whole world said, "PLEASE STOP SINGING! FOR THE LOVE! YOU'RE KILLING US! IT'S HORRID!" I'll never stop because then I won't have a motivation to keep my weight somewhat under control.

There you go - a glimpse into my sick mind.

So, now, onto business. I have exactly 24 days to get this body looking fantastical. I laid awake last night forming a master plan in my head and then realized there are a lot of things coming up that are going to interfere with those evil plans like the Twilight:Breaking Dawn premier this Thursday, which is super important - don't you dare roll your eyes and act like I'm so annoying and stupid and need to grow up because it will never happen! Oh, I guess I need to explain further -I'm gonna' be slurping down a huge DP and stuffing my face with popcorn. It's the only way I can watch movies. Yeah. Don't ever sit by me in the theater. I'm disgusting.

ANYWAY...

Typically, I start out by cutting off all contact with food immediately and popping pink pills that I order from Singapore, which completely obliterate my appetite and make me super thirsty. That's usually the first plan of action. Then I decide to exercise somewhere along the way in there because there's just really no way around it.

But today is gonna' be like this:

1. Slim Fast for breakfast - already done 'cause it's nearly noon.

2. Blackberries for a snack - done.

3. Turkey and provolone sandwich for lunch, which so goes against what I would normally do in this situation, but you'll see why I'm actually eating something substantial in just a second.

K. Second's up.

4. Jillian Michaels' 30-day shred. If you know about this workout, you're cringing right now. It's a killer and I won't be able to walk very well for the next two days, but I don't care. It's a necessity! So, it's only a 20-minute workout, but it consists of extreme torture and I will be cursing very loudly, so stay back!

5. Something is going to happen here, but I'm not sure. It will include food, but hopefully I will make wise choices. That remains to be seen. After Jillian Michaels is done with me, I can't promise I'll be in the right frame of mind.

6. Fish and steamed veggies for dinner.

7. Collapse. I was thinking ambitiously here, but I have to be honest with myself. I mean, I've done the 30-day shred. I've never lasted 30 days, but I did last 14 days in a row once and I haven't forgotten what it does to me - the good AND the bad - especially the bad right now because oh my gosh! I don't wanna' do it! Don't make me do it!

Okay, so I am going to start doing this 30-day shred thingy for the rest of this week and then the beginning of next week, when I have muscle tone built up, that's when the fun starts.

STATS

This is the fun part. You can see that I do get results from my self mutilation.

Weight: 143. (I know. I know. I was all the way down to 127 pounds. What the heck?)
Waist: 36 inches.
Hips: 42 inches.
Thighs: 23 inches.
Arms: 11.5 inches.

Mood: Disgusted, but hopeful. I can do this. Today I am motivated and ambitious. I'm gonna' enjoy it while it lasts.