...And We're Back On The Air...

Hello? Anybody out there?

(On the mic) *Tap. Tap. Tap.* *Blowing*

So....it's been years since my last post, or at least feels that way. In a nutshell, I had a baby, had a cholecystectomy (gallbladder removed), had a kidney stone, had a nervous breakdown and six weeks later, I'm back in business. Yay!

If you want the full story about my traumatic delivery and events following, including stepping on a scorpion a few days after arriving home, refer to my coppeefamily.blogspot.com blog. Don't hold your breath, though. I'm known for making promises and taking forever to fulfill them.

ANYWAY! So, I'm leaving up the picture of myself with the BEFORE caption overhead because, well...I'm back to that size again. 164 pounds. I gained like 31 pounds during the pregnancy and I've lost it all thanks to my surgery. If only I were my ideal weight BEFORE all of this happened....(sigh). What do you do?

Well, I'll tell you what I'm gonna' do - everything drastic and non-drastic in combination that I possibly can to get rid of my thunder thighs, ba-dunk-a-dunk booty, bye-bye arms and extra chins.

Now, one confession: I have the advantage over you, so if you're gonna' follow my poor example of drastic, "only heard of in exaggerated gossip sessions" weight loss strategies you must know that I've been altered somehow.

The following addictions have been erased. I don't know if this is related to my surgery or simply a coincidence, but here's my list:

1. Dr. Pepper...or any soda, for that matter.
2. Fast food.
3. Dairy (ice cream, milk, sour cream, etc.)

Carbonation feels like acid from the moment it touches my palate. It's extremely physically painful to actually drink soda, so I hear or see the word Dr. Pepper and I find myself cringing. This is a HUGE blessing as I was like a crack addict on that stuff.

Dairy and fast food keeps me in the bathroom for hours (I've gotten a lot of reading. Thanks to all those friends who've loaned me some great books.) But it hurts my stomach and unmentionables so bad, I can't stand it, so I stay away.

I will update you regularly regarding my tactics and the results. At least once a week is what I can promise - complete with measurements and weight - and how I'm tolerating it, which isn't gonna' be pretty sometimes. At least I can delete the cuss words after I type them and BEFORE I publish.

So, here's the run down on me:

Weight 164 pounds
Arms: 11.5 inches
Thighs: 25 inches
Waist: 39.5 inches
Hips: Ugh. Later, okay? I'm done with measurements for now.

Today I'm beginning my aggressive weight loss program with the 48-hour Hollywood Miracle Diet. I purchased it at Walgreens for $19.99 plus tax. It's a concentrate that you mix with water in equal parts and you just sip it all day long. Doesn't that sound wonderful?

Allow me to share with you a little discovery I've made. See, I assumed they called it the "Miracle" diet because supposedly you can lose up to 10 pounds in two days. But since beginning this special little program, I've come to discover that the true meaning behind the name is that it's a freakin' miracle you don't make like a hamster and eat your own young! Hello! I'm starving over here!

Now, keeping with my obsessive/compulsive form, I have managed to weigh myself at least ten times today. After a few sips and two glasses of ice water, I peed and weighed myself and the scale went from 164 to 159 pounds. I was like, "Yeah! This is awesome! I can do this!" A few hours later after sipping the concoction, gulping water and another 3-4 trips to the bathroom I thought, "Oh, I've dropped at least another 5 pounds by now". I stepped onto the scale, my head held high and watched in anticipation as the digital numbers appeared. 164. WHAT THE HECK?!?!?! I don't know. I haven't cheated. Not once. Not even a tiny bit, so we'll see what happens. In 48 hours I will weigh myself and let you know the result....if I live to see 48 hours from now.

FYI: I informed my husband the night before that I was beginning an intense torture process and that if I even smelled food, I would definitely eat it, so he is responsible for feeding the children the next couple of nights and I will be cruising the neighborhood in my car NOT thinking about food until the food is cleared from the table and the smell has left the building. So, if you see me driving around during the dinner hour, I'm not cooling down from a heated argument with my spouse or going to pick up fast food because I've ruined dinner again, I'm simply trying to make this ridiculous weight loss effort work for me!

On a final note, this "fasting" diet is not bad for you. In fact, it's very healthy for your body to fast once in a while. And this Hollywood diet contains essential oils, vitamins, minerals and fruit juice, which is more than I put in my body when I fast for religious reasons (try nothing - not even water for 24 hours). SO, if you can do it without completely losing your mind, I highly recommend it as a jump start to your weight loss plan. Hey, at least I'm not swallowing a tapeworm, which I will consider if nothing else works for me.

Wish me luck on my quest to lose 40 more pounds!