Hey Everybody! I'm Back 'Cause I'm Fat Again!

Let me tell you what happens when I get divorced.

I eat the contents of my fridge and make fast food runs late at night.

And I get fat.

How do I know this?

I just went through divorce number two.

Okay, so it's been almost a year since the divorce was finalized, but I like to wallow in self-pity for a lot longer than I used to. And also the days of starving myself when a guy decided he didn't like me are over. I prefer to drown my sorrows in greasy take out, chocolate and Dr. Pepper now. That feels so much better than slow death by starvation while lying in my bed staring at the ceiling wondering how much longer before God finally takes me.

ANYWAY...

I knew my situation was getting bad because my clothes were getting tight, but my scale was telling me it wasn't THAT bad yet. I didn't start worrying until my loose, lounge around clothing started getting tight.

A friend of mine made a post on Facebook about a scale she had just recently purchased, which tells you not only your weight, but your body fat percentage and hydration level. I was like, "Ooh. That sounds interesting." Then I asked where she got it. She said Wal-Mart. So I got in my minivan with my teenage son and said aloud, "I really hope it's not more than $30 because that's pushing it on my budget and I won't be able to buy it yet."

Guess what? It was $29.95.

"Yes!"

That's what I shouted when I saw the price. Fortunately, not many people shop that section of Wal-Mart and especially at the hour I was there so I didn't cause my teenager too much embarrassment.

Then I came home and opened it up and programmed my gender and age and height. And then I got on it.

And I was like, "WHAT?! I weigh one-hundred and HOW MUCH? That other scale LIED to me!"

And then it told me my body fat percentage and my eyeballs doubled in size and my jaw dropped and I grabbed the instructions and muttered, "Wait a minute. What does this mean?"

179 pounds and 43% body fat.

I'll tell you what it means. I don't even have to tell you. You're probably gasping in horror right now.

If you've followed this blog in the past, you've seen the ridiculous, drastic measures I've taken.

Unidentified pink pills smuggled in from Singapore
48-hour Hollywood starvation juice diet
Lose 20 pounds in 4 days diet
Jillian Michaels' 30-day shred
The 7 Shapely Secrets AKA tensing up your muscles for several minutes at a time AKA "Now pretend your bowels are about to explode and you're trying to hold it in. Perfect. Just stay like that now for 7 minutes."

I can honestly say I have tried every stinkin diet fad ever created...except the Alli diet. Hey! It's nicknamed the brown pants diet. I humiliate myself enough without sharting uncontrollably in my pants, all right?

I testify to you right now that every single one of those programs listed above works...except the 7 Shapely Secrets. It just felt dumb so I quit it. Oh, also I was feeling homicidal toward Jillian Michaels so I gave that up after two weeks also.

BUT....the problem is once you're done and you return to your normal habits, you're screwed. Plus they're dangerous. Okay, so that doesn't hold much weight with me. I don't really care if I die. That would be a welcome surprise. But some of you might care.

So listen up!

I'm doing something long-lasting.

Something I know I can stick with.

Something that's going to take patience and perseverance, but the results will be long-lasting.

I'm eating healthy. End of story. Just eating healthy. I'm following the 4-hour body protocol, to be exact. It's a huge book - like the size of a dictionary.

Okay, to be fair, I won't be eating healthy ALL the time. See, the great thing about this new lifestyle change is that there is a binge day once a week and you HAVE to do the binge day. It's an important part of the diet cycle. In fact, it's detrimental to your results and health if you DON'T do the binge day.

How great is that?

So stick around and watch me lose weight as I share the secrets of this lifestyle change - recipes I've concocted so that it is enjoyable, tips for making it work, what I've learned (mostly by making mistakes 'cause I'm really good at that), and you can cheer me on or laugh at me or both.