Crack Water

This diet calls for a LOT of water.

And I'm sorry, but I don't like water all that much. It's boring and also it makes me gag....unless I've just worked out hard in which case I can't get enough of it.

So I concoct a little something my youngest sister refers to as "crack water" because it's so good (like crack, apparently) that you can't stop drinking it.

And that's the idea - to drink water like it's going out of style. 

My personal favorite is Sweet Leaf Vanilla Creme. You find it at Sprouts and it costs $12.99 a bottle, which will last you about 3-4 weeks, depending on how much you use. I just drop 2-3...okay like 5 to 6 little drops (not droppers full. Just drops. CALM DOWN!) into my water and it's like candy. Or crack. We like to say crack in my family because it's funny to us. Clearly we are a sick people. But the important thing is, it makes necessary evils less painful.

And that, my friends, is how I'm able to drink water all day long.

PS: I'm down to 172 from 179 in about 4 days. WOOHOO!

Four Times A Day!

That's how many times I'm supposed to sit down and eat a full meal. FOUR TIMES!

It's a food lover's dream!

Now, the food selections are severely limited, but that's okay. There's a binge day coming.

That's right. Eating whatever the heck you want one day a week is a NECESSARY part of this diet. You go from eating meat, beans and veggies four times a day to eating ANYTHING YOU WANT!

Ice cream, donuts, candy, soda. Now, I don't recommend that you consume nothing but sugar, but I'm saying, it's no longer off limits in that 24 hours you're allotted - actually, COMMANDED to take.

According to the Four-Hour Body, not taking a binge day is detrimental to your results and even your health. It can mess with a woman's menstrual cycle, to name one thing.

The Four-Hour Body book is 552 pages long. There's a lot of info in there. That means I still have a lot to learn, but I'll share it with you as I go...along with other info I've gathered from other places.

Let's talk about food. What CAN I eat four times a day from Sunday to Friday?

I choose one item from each list for each meal. The recommendation is to eat the same few meals over and over again.

Sounds kind of boring, but there's a lot you can do with these few ingredients and I'll share those tips along the way.

PROTEINS: 
Egg whites with 1-2 whole eggs for flavor.
Chicken breast or thigh.
Beef (preferably grass-fed)
Fish
Pork

Pork is not the most effective for fat loss, but if you  love it, you can have it.

LEGUMES: 
Lentils
Black beans
Pinto beans
Red beans
Soybeans

VEGETABLES: 
Spinach
Mixed vegetables (broccoli, cauliflower or any other cruciferous vegetable)
Sauerkraut
Asparagus
Peas
Broccoli
Green Beans

Now, the deal is, you eat every four hours - four times a day. The guy who wrote the book is a night owl so his day begins and ends on a completely different schedule from most normal people with a regular 9 to 5 job or people with children.

So here's MY schedule, which is just like his schedule, except it begins and ends earlier.

**These are double portions, by the way, because my son and I are on it together.

8:00 AM - Breakfast. Yesterday I cooked fresh spinach leaves in the pan until it was wilted, scrambled 6 eggs (4 egg whites, 2 with yolks) on top of it, dumped in about a half cup of salsa and a can of black beans and heated it through. It's delicious!

12:00 - Lunch. Yesterday I brushed white vinegar on two thin sliced steaks and sprinkled on some steak seasoning. I just cooked them in a pan with some light butter spray. I boiled 1/2 pound of brussel sprouts in chicken broth and garlic, and I heated a can of kidney beans.

2:00 - Run around park chasing kids for one hour.

4:00 - Second lunch. I cooked two small salmon fillets in white wine and garlic stovetop, made the brussel sprouts again, and kidney beans again.

8:00 - Dinner. I cooked one chicken breast for John and I to split in balsamic vinaigrette stovetop, cooked some broccoli, and a can of pinto beans.

So that's it. Eat four times a day, drink lots of water and do something physical for one hour (He calls it recreation or sports training).

Seems simple enough.

Two days into the diet I've lost 4 pounds and it's only 4 pounds, but I just FEEL skinnier.

Hey Everybody! I'm Back 'Cause I'm Fat Again!

Let me tell you what happens when I get divorced.

I eat the contents of my fridge and make fast food runs late at night.

And I get fat.

How do I know this?

I just went through divorce number two.

Okay, so it's been almost a year since the divorce was finalized, but I like to wallow in self-pity for a lot longer than I used to. And also the days of starving myself when a guy decided he didn't like me are over. I prefer to drown my sorrows in greasy take out, chocolate and Dr. Pepper now. That feels so much better than slow death by starvation while lying in my bed staring at the ceiling wondering how much longer before God finally takes me.

ANYWAY...

I knew my situation was getting bad because my clothes were getting tight, but my scale was telling me it wasn't THAT bad yet. I didn't start worrying until my loose, lounge around clothing started getting tight.

A friend of mine made a post on Facebook about a scale she had just recently purchased, which tells you not only your weight, but your body fat percentage and hydration level. I was like, "Ooh. That sounds interesting." Then I asked where she got it. She said Wal-Mart. So I got in my minivan with my teenage son and said aloud, "I really hope it's not more than $30 because that's pushing it on my budget and I won't be able to buy it yet."

Guess what? It was $29.95.

"Yes!"

That's what I shouted when I saw the price. Fortunately, not many people shop that section of Wal-Mart and especially at the hour I was there so I didn't cause my teenager too much embarrassment.

Then I came home and opened it up and programmed my gender and age and height. And then I got on it.

And I was like, "WHAT?! I weigh one-hundred and HOW MUCH? That other scale LIED to me!"

And then it told me my body fat percentage and my eyeballs doubled in size and my jaw dropped and I grabbed the instructions and muttered, "Wait a minute. What does this mean?"

179 pounds and 43% body fat.

I'll tell you what it means. I don't even have to tell you. You're probably gasping in horror right now.

If you've followed this blog in the past, you've seen the ridiculous, drastic measures I've taken.

Unidentified pink pills smuggled in from Singapore
48-hour Hollywood starvation juice diet
Lose 20 pounds in 4 days diet
Jillian Michaels' 30-day shred
The 7 Shapely Secrets AKA tensing up your muscles for several minutes at a time AKA "Now pretend your bowels are about to explode and you're trying to hold it in. Perfect. Just stay like that now for 7 minutes."

I can honestly say I have tried every stinkin diet fad ever created...except the Alli diet. Hey! It's nicknamed the brown pants diet. I humiliate myself enough without sharting uncontrollably in my pants, all right?

I testify to you right now that every single one of those programs listed above works...except the 7 Shapely Secrets. It just felt dumb so I quit it. Oh, also I was feeling homicidal toward Jillian Michaels so I gave that up after two weeks also.

BUT....the problem is once you're done and you return to your normal habits, you're screwed. Plus they're dangerous. Okay, so that doesn't hold much weight with me. I don't really care if I die. That would be a welcome surprise. But some of you might care.

So listen up!

I'm doing something long-lasting.

Something I know I can stick with.

Something that's going to take patience and perseverance, but the results will be long-lasting.

I'm eating healthy. End of story. Just eating healthy. I'm following the 4-hour body protocol, to be exact. It's a huge book - like the size of a dictionary.

Okay, to be fair, I won't be eating healthy ALL the time. See, the great thing about this new lifestyle change is that there is a binge day once a week and you HAVE to do the binge day. It's an important part of the diet cycle. In fact, it's detrimental to your results and health if you DON'T do the binge day.

How great is that?

So stick around and watch me lose weight as I share the secrets of this lifestyle change - recipes I've concocted so that it is enjoyable, tips for making it work, what I've learned (mostly by making mistakes 'cause I'm really good at that), and you can cheer me on or laugh at me or both.

Today Is The Big Day!

I have two weeks, so now that we're down to the wire, I can finally get serious about this weight loss business.

I don't even want to measure where I'm at, even though I totally owe you some measurements. I'm afraid the numbers got worse. I'm just guessing. Not a difficult thing to accurately predict when you've been EATING FOR FOUR DAYS STRAIGHT!!!!

Anyway, it's Monday, I couldn't sleep last night, half my kids are sick, it's freezing cold outside, the house is a pig sty, and I'm thinking now would be a great time to focus on getting skinny. What do ya' say? Let's do this!

Today I had M&M's for breakfast. They were coconut. They were 210 calories. I will now drink a huge glass of water and curse at Jillian Michaels for exactly 27 minutes. K. Bye.

Sometimes Things Happen

Like Thanksgiving. Now I'm even fatter and feel more disgusting than ever. *Sigh*. Diet starts Monday. I know those are my famous last words, but I always mean them.

Starting Monday, I will have two weeks to prepare for the December 9th show. I can do it. I'll be motivated because I won't be thinking about a big feast coming up with lots of pie. I ate French Silk and then when my daughter couldn't finish her piece, I took over. I ate and ate and ate. And then when I came home later, I ate some more because I was kind of on a roll with it and I didn't want to lose the momentum.

ANYWAY...we just start over. That's what we do - me and my other personalities.

See ya' Monday.

This is the part where I get sexy.

Told ya'!

This is my sauna suit and it feels as sexy as it looks. Now, first of all - I am not as heavy as this picture makes me look, okay. It balloons out and traps the heat. I then work out in it and then peel it off. And then I peel off my work out clothes. And then I peel off my under things. Everything is pretty much stuck to me like I stood out in the rain and got drenched. And it's all my sweat.

YUMMY!

Today I woke up and was surprised that I could actually walk. It was very painful, but I could do it. In times past when I've attempted the 30-day shred, the first day kills me and the second day I'm no good to anyone.

Though my limbs are like Jell-O and I quiver in pain when I try to lift anything or stoop down, I am able to get around without an electric wheelchair. It's amazing! I must be getting stronger.

This morning I decided I just couldn't get through the workout, so I did my own and if you don't have access to the 30-day shred and want to try a free version, do this:

Find 6 songs you like. Ones that motivate you to get going. You know, pump you up.

Then do this:

Song #1: Alternate jumping jacks and running in place until the song ends.

Song#2: Sit up exercises.

Song#3: Push ups. I do the wimp version, but it's still grueling. I just go on my knees as opposed to toes.

Song#4: Alternate jumping jacks and jumping rope.

Song #5: Sit up exercises.

Song #6: Lunges.

This is what I did today and it was still killer. But it seemed easier, probably because I was doing it on my terms as opposed to having Jillian yelling at me while she just stands there - not in pain like me! PS: Have you seen the video? Even her girl, Anita, is kind of struggling at one point. It's killer!

Okay, anyway, so I have been super naughty today, but that's okay. I am building muscle, which burns fat and also I still have my little secret weapon next week that I'm using once I've built up this muscle. Sorry. You're gonna' have to wait to see what it is, but I guarantee it's going to get me down a couple of sizes in a snap!

Now, where was I? Ah yes, indulging in Jordan Almonds. Mm mm good!

Oh, here's what I ate today. I'll tell you. I have no shame.

Breakfast: Slim-Fast.

Snack: Two handfuls of Jalapeno Cheddar World Table crackers, 5 thin Mint Chocolate World Table cookies, and a glass of horchata.

Lunch: 290-calorie salad.

Snack: Handful of Jordan Almonds.

Dinner: Will most likely be salmon and steamed zucchini again.

OH MY GOSH!

I'm so fat right now!

Okay, guess who fell off the bandwagon, like a long time ago and decided she didn't care and now it's time to care and she's really sorry she hasn't cared all along because now it's a big undertaking?

So, it was summer time and I was all, "It's too bleeping hot! I hate being really hot and sweaty when I work out and then I try to cool down, but it's too hot, so I don't! When the weather cools down, I'm gonna' be outside exercising ALL THE TIME!"

HA! Right!

See, here's the thing: I'm lazy. Super lazy. Unless, of course, it's something I want to do, in which case I work really hard at it.

Working out? Me no likee, therefore, me no doee. It doesn't matter if the weather is perfect and gorgeous and amazing and wonderful! I'm still not gonna' do it. I just use weather as an excuse when I can and now I can't, so...I'm screwed.

Okay, so why do I need to lose weight? Well, certainly not for the right reasons like being healthy and feeling good. I don't really care about that all by myself. I have to have a reason to care. And right now my reason is - we need to get new band photos soon and we have a show coming up in December, and we want to make a new music video, and all sorts of other band-related things. And like the celebrities in Hollywood, I put expectations on myself that the world also places on people who are in the entertainment business - they have to look good. Nobody wants to watch a frumpy dump housewife shake her thang onstage. NOBODY! I feel like I'm experiencing deja vu here because I know I've said that before. That's my new mantra. I'm gonna' get a bumper sticker made...or maybe a t-shirt.

ANYWAY...

I guess having the band is a good thing - it'll always help me keep my weight under control. Sad, isn't it?

GASP! Bertrand! (That's my husband) Is that why you're insisting we keep the band going? I knew it!

No, seriously, I've often said that "I'll give the music one more year and if nothing happens, I'm quitting." But I never do and now I'm thinking even if the music NEVER takes off and even if everybody in the whole world said, "PLEASE STOP SINGING! FOR THE LOVE! YOU'RE KILLING US! IT'S HORRID!" I'll never stop because then I won't have a motivation to keep my weight somewhat under control.

There you go - a glimpse into my sick mind.

So, now, onto business. I have exactly 24 days to get this body looking fantastical. I laid awake last night forming a master plan in my head and then realized there are a lot of things coming up that are going to interfere with those evil plans like the Twilight:Breaking Dawn premier this Thursday, which is super important - don't you dare roll your eyes and act like I'm so annoying and stupid and need to grow up because it will never happen! Oh, I guess I need to explain further -I'm gonna' be slurping down a huge DP and stuffing my face with popcorn. It's the only way I can watch movies. Yeah. Don't ever sit by me in the theater. I'm disgusting.

ANYWAY...

Typically, I start out by cutting off all contact with food immediately and popping pink pills that I order from Singapore, which completely obliterate my appetite and make me super thirsty. That's usually the first plan of action. Then I decide to exercise somewhere along the way in there because there's just really no way around it.

But today is gonna' be like this:

1. Slim Fast for breakfast - already done 'cause it's nearly noon.

2. Blackberries for a snack - done.

3. Turkey and provolone sandwich for lunch, which so goes against what I would normally do in this situation, but you'll see why I'm actually eating something substantial in just a second.

K. Second's up.

4. Jillian Michaels' 30-day shred. If you know about this workout, you're cringing right now. It's a killer and I won't be able to walk very well for the next two days, but I don't care. It's a necessity! So, it's only a 20-minute workout, but it consists of extreme torture and I will be cursing very loudly, so stay back!

5. Something is going to happen here, but I'm not sure. It will include food, but hopefully I will make wise choices. That remains to be seen. After Jillian Michaels is done with me, I can't promise I'll be in the right frame of mind.

6. Fish and steamed veggies for dinner.

7. Collapse. I was thinking ambitiously here, but I have to be honest with myself. I mean, I've done the 30-day shred. I've never lasted 30 days, but I did last 14 days in a row once and I haven't forgotten what it does to me - the good AND the bad - especially the bad right now because oh my gosh! I don't wanna' do it! Don't make me do it!

Okay, so I am going to start doing this 30-day shred thingy for the rest of this week and then the beginning of next week, when I have muscle tone built up, that's when the fun starts.

STATS

This is the fun part. You can see that I do get results from my self mutilation.

Weight: 143. (I know. I know. I was all the way down to 127 pounds. What the heck?)
Waist: 36 inches.
Hips: 42 inches.
Thighs: 23 inches.
Arms: 11.5 inches.

Mood: Disgusted, but hopeful. I can do this. Today I am motivated and ambitious. I'm gonna' enjoy it while it lasts.